So I made it to sadhana three days in a row. Didn’t get much else done the last two days, though.
Keval led today and Monday. Today we did a set for the immune system. Then once we did long “Eck Ong Kars” I did the “Adjust Your Flow” set while chanting.
I just do each of the four sections for 7 minutes – the length of each chant – but once again did 7 minutes of “Mental Exercises” during “Rakhe Rakanhaar” and then finished the last section for 7 minutes of “Wahe Guru, Wahe Jeo” and finished the last 14 minutes the way you’re supposed to. I suppose I’m a bit defiant, unwilling to be an obedient little yogi who does what he’s told. Yogi Bhajan says somewhere, “all your troubles in life come from not doing ‘Wahe Guru, Wahe Jeo’ in the proper pose for the proper length of time.” Oh well. Well, frankly, my lower back – or liver or kidney or something – ends up hurting when I do.
Yesterday I found myself feeling like I was trying to get attention by doing the mental exercises set, and wanting to show off what a perfect yogi I am so somebody would notice. That and also wishing somebody would notice how I can do Japji without reading it. Never mind that I couldn’t do that without a recitation to follow along with. So much for cutting through spiritual materialism. But it’s interesting how the whole purpose of sadhana is to cultivate a focus on God, and I’m still too restless and impatient to just sit and do that, needing something to focus on and distract my mind from the actual meaning of the chanting. If only I could bring that approach into my work life, doing my work to cultivate a connection with God, but letting the work distract me from it in the course of it, until I don’t need to distract myself from it anymore.
I had a weird dream last night. There was this yogic saint in this outside garden, sort of like the Japanese Garden by Balboa Lake. I didn’t want to encounter him directly, or speak with him, sort of like I never wanted to talk to Yogi Bhajan, but he’d answer the questions I had without asking him them, just sitting there in the group. So I’m avoiding the saint. Blair Breard was there too, we were walking around the garden. Then there was this buffet, and I get this flimsy paper plate, and I start loading it with meat in gravy, and cauliflower and chick peas in sauce, and rice and other stuff, and the plate is collapsing, and I look around to find a sturdier plate, and find a little cardboard carton that fits right under it to support it, and just as I do that, the woman who was serving the saint, whom I realized was Lahiri Mahasaya after I woke up, started apologizing to him for serving him meat. He walked over to her, and focused on her, looking into her eyes, and she walked away in a daze, aimlessly wandering around in a state of dumb bliss.
Then I woke up, feeling a lot more peaceful than I usually do, and not as knotted up. It sort of felt like a visitation, and left me wondering about reading the Self Realization Fellowship lessons that I haven’t made time for, but it was just time to go to sadhana, and in a minute, the alarm went off. I actually took a cold shower like you’re supposed to this morning too. But I had a lot of mucous in the back of my throat which kept making me cough.
This is just slightly more interesting than the presidential and vice presidential debates, I’m sure. So now the 10% of the day given to God is all up, and what the fuck do I do next?
Oatmeal isn’t too interesting without the Ume plum in it. I didn’t realize how much that added to the flavor of it until it was missing. I only had 3-1/2 hours of sleep… I wonder if I should nap, get the rest, or try to keep going throughout the day. There’s a rehearsal in Culver City tonight at 7:30PM. How will I keep going? I just made a very un-yogic pot of coffee too. So much for the PSN – Post Sadhana Nap.
Meanwhile, I contemplate that job opening listed at Sounds True in Boulder. I don’t really want to move. During sadhana I was wondering about all the things that have happened here in LA since I decided not to pursue the job in Espanola working with IKYTA. I feel a stronger calling to OneTaste – to at least find out if it’s all my mind has made it up to be. But then, the bay area? It leaves me thinking about the people who come to LA wanting to be actors and then don’t have the courage to go to auditions, and eventually realize they haven’t become actors.
I haven’t done any worthwhile musical endeavors while I’ve lived in this apartment, which has been 7 years now. That’s disheartening. There’s this dichotomy between spiritual calling, spiritual support for the rest of my life, and spirituality as avoidance of responsibility.
Everyone in my cult is healthier than everybody else I know. Some of them even have jobs. My friends don’t understand why I’m in it. Should I leave it?
It’s funny the whole idea of the Kundalini Yoga teacher who’s out to convert the whole world and get them to try it. I find that funny because I keep trying and people are never interested. I guess I’m not a born salesperson? But it struck me this morning how it’s probably a much better approach to try to find the people who ARE interested, and stick with them. Somebody was talking in a podcast about relationships how trying to change people to be the way you want them to be is “an act of aggression.” Interesting perspective, and food for thought on the nature of acceptance. But then, what about the people who might be interested in kundalini yoga but just haven’t discovered it yet, just because they haven’t been looking in the right places? Hmmm.